The following is a letter I wrote
to a woman who emailed me. She had found that after gaining some weight the
man who was with her had refused to 'love' her the way she was. Her letter
described torrents of abuse, infidelity, and disdain from a man she proposed
First off, let
me say that when I read your letter I was so moved emotionally that I honestly
had to 'put it away' for a day before I was able to even answer it. I want
you to know how very sorry I am for all this emotional pain and turmoil you
are going through. You must realize that this pain of yours has to 'stop',
I will try to
answer your letter - in my own opinion, of course. You have the right to
listen to me, or to disregard what I say. Whatever your choice is, let me
warn you that you probably won't like what I have to say to you -
I can see from
your letter that you, like me, are and can be perfectly content with yourself
and your own company. Unfortunately, somewhere over the course of the last
year you have forgotten that. Somewhere over the course of the last year
you have lost yourself into that of another.
I know all about
the 'soulmate' image we can create in our minds. I, myself, had always believed
that there was only one true soulmate for each of us - and even that
I had met mine (he died in our fourth year together). But, if you think about
it, isn't it amazing that our 'one and only' not only happens to exist on
our planet, and in our solar system - but in our lifetime, usually live within
100 miles of us, and are even in the same age range! What a coincidence!
In other words, one and only soulmate - humbug!
You seem like
a very intelligent, astute woman who has a good head on her shoulders and
is not easily persuaded by charm. Yet, what scares me is how much you are
willing to change 'you' and how much 'garbage' you are willing to take just
to have this man in your life. Another thing that amazes me is that you tend
to stick up for him, completely abolishing him from any wrong-doing. You
seem to have an excuse for everything he has done, i.e. it was because of
depression/sexual needs/lack of physical attraction/not wanting to hurt me,
etc. Why can you not see this man for the selfish liar that he has proven
himself to be - over and over again? (Told you you wouldn't like what I had
to say.) I don't really believe that you are that 'desperate' to have a mate
that you would put up with this, but I do believe you have subconsciously
put your blinders on to the true facts about him - maybe out of your 'need'
to have him in your life. I often wonder why people are so willing to completely
change themselves into that of another person just to 'keep' a mate? You
must be 'you', or you will forever be living a lie. Your mate must love you
for 'you' or you will forever be walking on eggshells, trying not to let
the 'real you' slip out. Who wants to live like that? Too, there seems to
be a lot of misunderstood issues in the bedroom area and I have to wonder;
do you always want to spend your sex-life together worrying that you are
doing something wrong, or too unaggressive, too overweight, not firm enough,
not assertive enough - or that any minute he could put a 'sex ad' in the
paper looking for more because you didn't satisfy him? In fact, I really
have to question the faithfulness of this man from day
man does not want to communicate with you on a serious level. He wants to
keep things light and airy - in other words, he wants his cake and eat it
too. He wants to have you in his life, but not have to feel obligated or
committed to you. It's always been my opinion ( and proven to me time and
again) that one cannot remain 'just friends' with someone that they are in
love with, or sexually involved with. It's just NOT possible. And, no, I
don't believe he is going through such a 'self-discovery' process that you
should remain meekly (and weakly) in the sidelines waiting for him - hoping
beyond hope that he won't find another. Why would you want a man that feels
he has to sow all his wild oats somewhere else before plowing your
His 'want ad'
seeking a "more sexually aggressive woman, that is not as 'fat'" has me
concerned. This man, and his 'sex-want' ads, obviously has some major 'issues'
that you are choosing to ignore. He is not someone I would want to spend
my life with, nor father my children. Could you honestly ever relax with
a man like that? Do you think that perhaps you are 'glamorizing' him and
your time together in the past, simply because the thought of being out of
a relationship is too painful? I have to wonder if you are subconsciously
making him and the relationship better than it actually
I sense, too,
some 'control' and 'power' issues on his part. Verbal abuse? As most abusers
can be, did he come on strong and charming? Did he make you feel special?
Possibly, this man was such a charmer (as most abusers are) that you really
did think the relationship was wonderful, and he was wonderful - and you
will remain adamant to those beliefs - even at the cost of your emotional
well-being. This is called psychological-abduction and is very common in
verbally/emotionally abusive relationships. Before they are even aware of
it, the abused becomes a 'walking-disciple' of the abuser, completely entranced
by the abusers 'control' over them. And without logical reasoning. It is
apparant that this man has proven himself to be a liar over and over again,
and has insulted you, making you appear to be at fault. This is a form of
mental/verbal/emotional abuse and if continued will only escalate. Do you
want to be with a man that you can't trust, a man who's word is about as
good as last week's bread? a man that makes you feel inferior? A man that
makes you feel that if only you could 'fix' this or that about yourself than
everything would be okay? A man that can take a reasonably secure, self-confident
woman and subtly turn her into an emotional basket-case in a matter of a
You say that you
believe the type of woman he is looking for is 'you', except for a few minor
exceptions, i.e. 'overweight' and 'sexual issues/misunderstandings'. Those
are not 'minor' exceptions! Those are major exceptions! Also, it seems like
you are very willing and eager to 'change' in order to be his 'dream woman'.
You also feel that if you are just given more time/chances to be more sexually
aggressive, or thinner, or this, or that - that you can change his mind.
Gimme a break! Don't you, at some point, want to be 'you'? Which, I believe,
is not a thin, sexually aggressive woman. Maybe you should stop trying to
be what "he's looking for" and start concentrating on what "you're looking
for" - and, no, he's not the "one-and-only" man for you. I believe you have,
perhaps, 'molded him' (in your mind) into your one-and-only, but that might
be because you desperately wanted him, or needed him, to be. Remember, like
me, you were once perfectly content with your own company.
My personal opinion
is for you to try and forget about him. Don't contact him again. Don't confront
him on his lies. Give him back to himself and move on with your life. Thank
God for bringing him into your life for a while, and then let go and let
God (or kismet) lead your life where it may. Who knows what waits around
the next corner? By letting go and moving on you are forcing him to do one
of two things. One, if he TRULY loves you he will 'wake up' and seek you,
wanting to reconcile. Or two, he will let you go and move on (which he seems
to have done already, anyway). One of these two things is the only answer
you'll need. You can't keep trying to remain in his life by changing the
both of you - trying to mold you both into the 'perfect soulmates' fantasy.
It just doesn't work that way! It only succeeds in making you crazy with
grief, and worry, and stress, and anxiety. This whole situation is obviously
tearing you apart, as the pain that was evident in your letter tore me apart.
My heart just wept for you. As painful as it may sound, you really need to
let this man go (at least for now) and back off from him and the relationship.
Get back to 'you' and your life. Most people are afraid that if they back
off a little that the object of their affection will move on and eventually
forget about them. But, ironically, the real reason is that they, themselves,
are afraid that if they back off that THEY will forget about the object of
their affection, and they don't want to do this. They are so 'in need' of
having someone to love that the fear of losing that love is all-consuming.
My advice remains the same - let it go. Let him go. Give him back to himself.
Trust God to lead you. God probably has some wonderful plans for you, but
you'll never know what they are if you stand adamant in this 'limbo' - refusing
to take that bend in the road and go around that 'unchartered' corner.
A great way to
rediscover yourself is to walk. Go for a walk. Today. Tomorrow. Every day.
If you ever want to meet 'you' just take off walking! Not only do you get
to know 'you' again (something we lose sight of in a relationship) but you
end up losing weight, having great legs, and a terrific
Again, I am very
sorry if I seem to be cruel in my answer. That is not my intention! My intent
is to help you find yourself again.
"A man who cannot
see past an 'imperfect' body, also cannot see past a 'perfect'
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