||Healing The Mid-Life Love
All I wanted was to fall in love and
live happily ever after. The End.
Except it wasnt that simple. At
forty-something, I was hardly on the shelf, but I was the veteran
of two divorces. That gave rise to plenty of self doubt. It gave rise to
another more sinister, subtle symptom too: I didnt trust the opposite
sex not to hurt me again. And guess what? Since the women I was meeting were
in a similar age bracket, and also veterans of some painful emotional history,
their fears echoed mine. Result? An almost cast iron guarantee that love
cannot flourish! You might as well scatter seed on concrete and expect a
wheat field to flourish.
The internet is peppered with such walking
wounded. Dating sites abound and literally tens of thousands of people from
all over the computerised world are looking for love. Naturally, there are
success stories with happy endings. But the vast majority are frustrated
individuals. Join these sites for a while, (I did for 3 months and ended
up staying for 3 years), and you will see the same faces come round again
and again. They are not ugly or evil or dangerous people. They are ordinary
people like you and me, and yet somehow love is just eluding them.
To answer that you have to first ask
yourself why anyone wants a relationship in the first place. The answer is
not obvious, but it is simple. In just about every generation up to about
the 1950s, people got into relationships because it was inevitable.
Sooner or later, procreation was going to take place, and pregnancy meant
the mothers needed economic support which was, of course, provided by the
fathers. Roles were clear, nature played a big part. Whether relationships
were happy or the couple were in love were secondary
considerations. The relationship itself was primary, and at all costs was
made to survive until death did them part. Add in social and religious pressures,
and no wonder our grandparents and all of their forbears stayed together
Nowadays we have a completely different
agenda. It boils down to this: we will only stay in a relationship, or even
enter into one, if it feels better than not doing so.
In other words, relationships have to
make us happy or were out.
Thats a big agenda, but the biggest
problem with it isnt its size; its that it goes unacknowledged.
Society, from government to the church to our neighbours, tends towards the
old values and we still measure ourselves by them. We still consider ourselves
to have failed if we break up a relationship, or worse, if we are the one
who is jilted. This, in spite of the fact that we dont bat an eyelid
if our friends change career, move house or emigrate no matter how many times
they do it. But change partners? Theres something wrong with you!
The fact remains, though, that broken
relationships lead to broken hearts, and broken hearts hurt. Pain leads to
fear, and fear leads to either a total giving up, or an attempt to half commit
with resulting unsatisfactory relationships all round.
So whats the antidote?
Two things, really. First, love yourself.
If you can feel good about the person youre guaranteed to wake up with
every day of your life, no one can hurt you, because thats your inner
strength. It wouldnt matter how many times someone told Arnold
Schwarzenegger he was a weakling, would it? He would always know that
Secondly, get clear, really clear, about
what you want. And then be honest about that. Do you really want to be with
someone with young children? Do you mind if the lovely person youve
just met has an almost zero libido? Or an insatiable one?
Also be flexible with yourself about
this. Your wants and needs are going to change. They wont be the same
three months after the end of a relationship as they will be when three years
have elapsed. So you have to learn to listen to your inner self, and not
only hear it, but trust it and act on its advice!
What this amounts to actually reduces
to an amazing and simple formula for finding and keeping true love. Want
to know what it is?
Get to know, like and love the person
you spend every day with. (For full details of who that is, check your nearest
Thats it! That way, youll
have bundles of love to give away, youll be a joy to be around, (which
makes you irresistibly attractive), and during those times when you find
yourself alone, youll be delighted to have your company for a
After all, who wouldnt?
Trevor Emdon is a senior Mental Health
practitioner & NLP practitioner who graduated from Anthony Robbins
Mastery University in 1999 with full honours. He has also trained in metaphysics
with Gill Edwards. He has recently written a book on the subject of How
to Love Again After Your Hearts Been Broken and he will be running
workshops on the subject in spring . To order your copy of the book,
reserve a place on a workshop, or to arrange private consultation, contact
him by email:
call 0044 1392 861134. The book can be found by visiting
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